Your own adventure.

I am so proud of myself.

I can do anything.

Life is amazing.

These have been just a few of the thoughts swirling around my head the past couple of days.

Why? Well, because I was brave.

I decided that I wanted a mini break so I booked a hotel for myself and Martha for 2 nights in a city over 70 miles away that I don’t ever remember going to.

It may seem so trivial but for someone who on her worst days, couldn’t leave the house I feel on top of the world.

Loneliness is a horrible thing.

Anxiety is a horrible thing.

The only thing now I could say that has made a difference is CHOOSING to be alone. I made that decision.

When I felt so alone in my marriage, I didn’t enjoy doing things or taking Martha places on my own because I felt full of anger, disappointment and resentment. I was so lonely.

Now though, i’ve chosen to live the way I live and I think that’s why it’s easier to embrace it.

I put the holiday to the back of my mind until the last minute so I didn’t have time to panic.

I asked myself ” what’s the worst that could happen” i.e…..getting lost and realised that with a full tank of fuel and a SAT NAV we would be fine.

I’ve not beenΒ worrying about keeping Martha in the sleeping routine I worked so hard to get her into. Instead we have been reading extra stories and going to bed later in the hotel, and it’s been lovely.

We have been spending money we don’t have on things we don’t need and it has been exhausting, hilarious and magical ❀

I’ve been using my inner child this past couple of days and seeing the magic in everything, from the blue bannisters in the hotel that Martha now wants at home, to the sea lion show at the safari park.

I chose to do it alone.

I didn’t once feel alone.

Goodbye resentment, anger and fear.

I’m going to be happy about the experiences I get to have everyday.

Let go of what’s holding you back.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I would still rather take someone with me when I go places because quite frankly, kids are exhausting and it can be boring playing Anna and Elsa for 3 hours with a tree πŸ˜‚ but it’s not going to stop me anymore.

As for you. The amazing person you are who takes the time to read my verbal vomit…..

Yes you will still have good days and bad days.

Anxiety doesn’t just fade away overnight, but don’t let it be your main focus.

You can do anything.

You will never be alone.

You‘ve got this.

I’m always here for you.

Much Love xx

 

 

 

 

Size is just a number

20190713_142456.jpgI love shopping. I sometimes wish I didn’t πŸ˜‚ but I love finding a bargain and falling in love with a new outfit, or a new pair of shoes.

I was shopping yesterday with my baby sister and tbh, I was infuriated! Every shop, my size of clothing was different. We were in a specific shop that is known for cheap, but popular clothing. I’m browsing the aisles and decide to look for a pair of jeans. Now i’ve worked my butt off to drop 2 dress sizes but I came across a pair of jeans that were bigger than my size..but that would fit on my ankle. I held them up to my very slim sister, and even she would have struggled to wear them!

We fixate so much on clothing sizes and i’m now over it. Don’t do it!

Shops should be wanting people to feel good about themselves so they buy more, not make them feel like they are 3 sizes bigger than they actually are. Sort it out retailers!

So my point is this.

If you see an outfit you want, don’t worry if it’s your usual size or whether you have to buy bigger. Wear it. Love it. Cut off the size label and just embrace the fact you are wonderful, and sexy and look amazing!

We only get one life. Don’t frett about the small stuff.

From now on, i’m not going to bother whether I buy a 14, a 16 or an 18. If it feels good and I look good, then that’s the overall goal.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve the best.

Much love x

Love yourself ❀

screenshot_20190708-203935_google.jpg

It’s hard to love yourself.

To love the things you want to change.

To love yourself on good days and bad days.

To trust in your ability to be who you really are and not mould to someone else’s idea.

I’m realising more and more that it’s ok to say “Yeah, i’m good at that”. Confidence and Arrogance are completely different. Yes, I know what i’m good at but I also know that there are plenty better than me….and I love them 😍

For me, singing is my talent and one i’m so grateful to have but I haven’t used it to it’s full potential. I’ve let it become lost in my anxieties.

When I get asked, “So you can sing?” I’ve never known how to respond incase i’m asked to sing something then and there and they don’t like it. πŸ™ˆ

It’s ludicrous and irrational but the truth.

When I started posting videos of myself singing, it would be fine until i’d picture the folk rolling their eyes and thinking “she loves herself”. For all the genuine praise, I would let one negative thought spoil it.

Something weird has happened though, just in this past wee while.

I do love myself.

I know where my strengths and weaknesses are. I know I can make people happy. I know i’m not perfect.

I know i’m not everyones cup of tea and that’s completely fine.

I’ve always settled for what I thought I deserved, not what I wanted andΒ  always tried to play it safe.

Always thought that unless i’m skinnier, prettier that I don’t deserve the best. My voice isn’t going to change whether i’m a size 8 or 20!. I may never been a size 12. If I am, great! However i’m not going to look back on my life in 50 years time and have regrets. I know what I want out of life but I have to love myself first before anyone else can.

So take note.

Know what you’re good at and for goodness sake, do it! You are completely and utterly worth it and life is just too short. Love yourself and it will radiate.

My name is Eileen.

I have a Talent.

That’s ok.

Watch this space πŸ™‚

 

Much Love. Xxx

 

 

 

 

 

What works for one….

All day i’ve been thinking about submerging into a hot bubble bath. Why will this remain just a thought? Let me tell you….😘

For me? I always LOVE the idea of a bubble bath but then I don’t actually find it a relaxing experience.

I run the water, pour in my favourite bubbles, watch it rise and then it’s time to get in.. that’s when the magic stops.

I do the “hot water bob” as I like to call it, of trying to get my backside used to the water so I bob up and down a bit πŸ€”πŸ™„πŸ˜‚

Right, i’m in…let the sensation take over my body…oh no wait….i’m getting a creak in my neck….oh god what is that?…oh it’s just my stomach floating above the bubbles…..great πŸ˜’

Oh, and now my boobs are joining in by pretending they are buoys floating in the sea. It’s the one time they are perky πŸ‘πŸ˜‚

Oh God I hate a bath.

Staring at my body magnified…maybe if I lift a knee out and try to be all sexy. Oh. No. Wait. Now I can see the fine hairs on my thigh that I haven’t shaved..and I can see my full nakedness reflecting back at me in the taps.

Ok Eileen, just reeelllaaxxx, lie back. Imagine you are in the see with the waves lapping up over you….such a realistic sound, nope it’s just the bath water slapping against my stomach, making the same noise my thighs do when they clap together πŸ‘πŸ‘

There WAS actually one time where I thought, ok. I’m really sore. I’m going to have a bath and make sure I relax. I’ll just put some hair removing cream on first (everywhere I might add)

Brilliant, kill two birds and all that….

Nope. I’m now sitting in the bath surrounded by my own body hair, just floating on the surface in a scum but continue to sit in it for at least 10 mins so as not to waste the water. πŸ™ˆπŸ˜­

Why? Why is having a bath so stressful?

My Mum loves having a bath! I don’t understand it.

I had a water birth, which I was pressured into by the midwives so I got in just to shut them up, but it was actually bliss. Even though I was stark naked, boobs afloating, stretch marks from head to toe, it was wonderful. It was the one time I enjoyed being in the water without caring…like a sumo-wrestler Lilo. Just lying there whilst the midwife discreetly scooped out little bits of πŸ’©. I didn’t have a care in the world 😍

Tonight, after finishing a nightshift and being awake for 36 hours, I will be relaxing by sprawling on the couch, full of the chinese I ordered because I didn’t have the energy to cook, watching some trashy T.V before going upstairs and collapsing into bed in only my pants because putting pj’s on is too much effort.

That my friends, is relaxing BusysingleMum style and i’m ok with that. πŸ˜‚

I envy those of you who like a bath, ipad and wine in hand. Enjoy it. Relax.

We are all blimmin’ exhausted and deserve the best relaxation we can get. I’m just gutted that what works for you, makes me feel like a beached dolphin flapping around on the sand. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Much love xx

From a keen to bathe, completely exhausted Mum. ❀

Overthinking. I’m over it.

Snapchat-566207059.jpgOverthinking is such a nuisance. It really is.

My mind can be in constant overdrive and then no productive thoughts actually happen. Let me give you an example from yesterday.

Hmm…(looking in the freezer)..what should we have for dinner?”

Then I hear a train and look at it out of the window…

“Oh, look! A train…hmm, those tracks must be really old now”

Tracks-naturally make me think of rollercoasters because my inner child enjoys them more than trains….obvs.

“MAN I LOVE ROLLERCOASTERS“.

“I haven’t been on one for years”.

Oh, wait a minute….someone lost a leg on a rollercoaster..what if I did? What if I died having fun on a rollercoaster?”

What would happen to Martha?

I wonder what songs they would play at my funeral…would they know what songs to play?

“Hmm…I need to make a WILL”Β  πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚

Now within the space of about 2 minutes I had gone from looking in the freezer to planning my funeral. What is actually wrong with me? πŸ˜‚

It is also detrimental to daily activities. For me anyway.

As i’ve said before i’m not good at doing new things, especially on my own and i’m not scared to admit that even at 31 I still like my Mum to come with me πŸ˜‚

Today though, I didn’t overthink…… well not as much.

I got up, got dressed (without standing analysing what I was wearing and changing my outfit 5 times,) I went for lunch and then decided to take Martha to the circus. That may seem like a normal thing for most but for me, that was huge. If I don’t know what to do somewhere then I panic or usually just avoid it. But no, we walked down to the circus, picked up our tickets and found our seats. Oh and by the way- it was awesome- and nothing bad happened because I had to make eye-contact with a circus employee πŸ™„πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚ go figure.

I’m the one in a crowd of people who would stand at the back and not make eye-contact with anyone. Not today though. I was the leader (more so because Martha is 4 and if she was in charge I would have been in there doing acrobatics) and I took charge of my own thoughts and decided from the moment I got up that I wasn’t going to overthink things and it worked.

Now tomorrow..that’s a whole other story and God only knows what my brain will be doing then but, well, for today at least. I’m content. I’m proud of myself and i’m going to get lost in a t.v drama and try my HARDEST to shut my brain off for a while.

Night night brain…you’ve done well today ❀

Much loveΒ  xx

 

 

 

 

 

Friends: Always and Forever

20190701_221159.jpgA true friend is a soul mate. Male or female, they are a person who accepts you for all your flaws, supports you through everything whether they agree with you or not, and even if months pass by will be there for you when you need it. Friends are the family we get to choose.

I have an amazing, close knit family whom i’m so grateful for but jeezy peeps would I have fallen into the darkness even further had it not been for my pals. My chums. My soul mates.

They saw it. They saw the unhappiness in me. The loneliness. They saw the anxiety and never once gave me a hard time for it. I missed get togethers, nights out, weddings. I allowed myself to become so absorbed in my own unhappiness, that I missed out on important things because I couldn’t face leaving the house. They stood by me.

They supported me through all the challenges i’ve had from my depression to my separation. They still do.

It’s easy to let our lives get busy and i’m the worlds worst for trying to commit to a date for a blether and a cuppy. (I’M GETTING BETTER…TRULY!) I forget birthdays until the last minute. I forget things that are important in your lives, but I do love you all and you know I would do anything for any one of you. You all know who you are. ❀

I didn’t know how I would feel living alone again. Completely alone. The thing is though, I’ve never felt alone. You have all been there, whether it’s a snapchat everyday, a text, a phonecall…you have all been there, even when I haven’t been for you.

We are over half way through the year and I still have so many people to see that i’ve missed out on time with. A couple of folk I haven’t seen in over two years. I’m going to change that. You are going to be a priority in my life because without you all (and as cheesey as it sounds), I wouldn’t be who I am and wouldn’t have gotten this far without you.

Thank you, soul mates. For encouraging me to be the best me. For sitting with me through the moans, the tears, the anger. For never judging me. For waiting for me to find myself again.

I’ll not let you down.

Much love xx

 

Foot loose!

I was fortunate enough to get to a concert last night and it was amazing!

80’s tunes back to back, being sung by some seriously talented people. Two of which, I am lucky to call my friends.

What a night it was. There was such a buzz in the theatre and folk were on their feet from the start.

It’s funny really, usually with things like this I tend to just sit for fear of looking like a plonker. NOT last night though!

Despite having the worst sore head i’ve had in a long time (thanks Thunder Storm) πŸ™„ and only having a few drinks, I was strutting my stuff in my seat and then IN THE AILSE!!πŸ˜‚πŸ™ˆ

For once I didn’t care. I wasn’t the only one and I was just enjoying the moment which I don’t often do.

Instead I usually worry about making a fool of myself or worrying about what other people think…perhaps this is a new me? πŸ€”

I normally over- analyse everything, from what i’m wearing to what my make-up looks like. For instance, yesterday I put a nose ring in for the first time and it was a bit big. I would usually over think it and freak out but last night I just thought “oh well, it’s in now”πŸ˜‚. Such minor things really make giant leaps in day to day living.

Last night was enlightening for me. I was free from worry, and I can’t remember the last time that has happened. Change is afoot I feel.

So to anyone who is anxious, stressed, worrys about every little thing…..it will get better, I promise.

One small change can have a big impact.

You will get there.

You will have good days and bad days, and on the good days, just embrace it and enjoy every moment.

We are only here once so if you want to dance in the ailse of a theatre, if you want to take your bra off and throw it onstage ( I didn’t do that πŸ˜‚) then flippin’ well just do it.

Much love xxx