I am so proud of myself.
I can do anything.
Life is amazing.
These have been just a few of the thoughts swirling around my head the past couple of days.
Why? Well, because I was brave.
I decided that I wanted a mini break so I booked a hotel for myself and Martha for 2 nights in a city over 70 miles away that I don’t ever remember going to.
It may seem so trivial but for someone who on her worst days, couldn’t leave the house I feel on top of the world.
Loneliness is a horrible thing.
Anxiety is a horrible thing.
The only thing now I could say that has made a difference is CHOOSING to be alone. I made that decision.
When I felt so alone in my marriage, I didn’t enjoy doing things or taking Martha places on my own because I felt full of anger, disappointment and resentment. I was so lonely.
Now though, i’ve chosen to live the way I live and I think that’s why it’s easier to embrace it.
I put the holiday to the back of my mind until the last minute so I didn’t have time to panic.
I asked myself ” what’s the worst that could happen” i.e…..getting lost and realised that with a full tank of fuel and a SAT NAV we would be fine.
I’ve not been worrying about keeping Martha in the sleeping routine I worked so hard to get her into. Instead we have been reading extra stories and going to bed later in the hotel, and it’s been lovely.
We have been spending money we don’t have on things we don’t need and it has been exhausting, hilarious and magical ❤
I’ve been using my inner child this past couple of days and seeing the magic in everything, from the blue bannisters in the hotel that Martha now wants at home, to the sea lion show at the safari park.
I chose to do it alone.
I didn’t once feel alone.
Goodbye resentment, anger and fear.
I’m going to be happy about the experiences I get to have everyday.
Let go of what’s holding you back.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I would still rather take someone with me when I go places because quite frankly, kids are exhausting and it can be boring playing Anna and Elsa for 3 hours with a tree 😂 but it’s not going to stop me anymore.
As for you. The amazing person you are who takes the time to read my verbal vomit…..
Yes you will still have good days and bad days.
Anxiety doesn’t just fade away overnight, but don’t let it be your main focus.
You can do anything.
You will never be alone.
You‘ve got this.
I’m always here for you.
Much Love xx